6 Tips to Share the Mental Load of Motherhood Without Resentment

Mom’s mental load can feel burdensome, and honestly, it can be jarring to realize how long your list is. It’s not something we expect to come with motherhood, in addition to our entire body already changing and sacrificing our sleep.

Honest conversations with your partner that explain how you feel, how much of a mental burden you carry, and how your partner can help out are necessary to alleviate some of your stress and improve your mental health — because dang it takes a toll!

letter explaining the mental load

Explain and Share the Mental Load

  • letter to explain the mental load to your partner
  • example list of mental load tasks
  • how to successfully delegate the tasks

What is the mental load of motherhood?

The mental load of motherhood is a term to explain every task a person, typically a mom, must remember and complete in order to keep the household running smoothly and keep everyone happy. These tasks often anticipate what everyone in the family will need, keeping track of the progress, and involve making an overwhelming amount of decisions. This invisible labor is work although it goes unappreciated, unpaid, and overlooked most of the time.

A list of mental load

Some of your mental burdens might include:

  • Keeping track of every grocery item and toiletry item to stock before it runs out
  • Remembering everyone’s schedule in the household and balancing them all
  • Keeping up to date with medical appointments, like the doctor or dentist
  • Meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking
  • Cleaning the majority of the house day in and day out
  • Knowing how much money is in your bank account and remembering the budget
  • Being conscious of when the kids will need new clothes or new school supplies
  • Having to ask your partner to help with necessary choices and then needing to give praise or say thanks
  • Scheduling visits to family or planning vacations
  • Purchasing gifts and keeping track of birthdays or holidays
  • Managing daily pet care and vet appointments
how to successfully share the mental load of motherhood

What is the mother’s load?

The mental load is commonly referred to as the mother’s load because it often falls on moms to pick up these tasks. Another common name is the invisible load.

All of these terms mean the same thing: every physical, financial, or emotional task someone manages and completes that often goes without acknowledgement or pay and is necessary for the household to run smoothly.

Why do mental burdens fall on women?

This is unfortunately a pitfall of our patriarchal history. It is often expected for moms, whether they are working or staying at home (which is still work!), to carry out these tasks. While this is a larger systemic problem that they fall on women mostly, every household looks different and manages differently and it might fall on a male partner instead. The important thing to note is that the mental load is typically carried by one person in the household.

Signs you carry the invisible load of motherhood

Are you wondering if you carry the mental burden of the household? Here are a few noticeable symptoms of this added stress:

  • You always feel stressed out or like there’s something else to do
  • You resent your partner for their ability to relax
  • You feel angry when your partner asks what they need to help with because they should already know
  • Your partner often asks you about everything, from appointment dates and questions about the kids to what’s for dinner and what chore needs to be done
  • You often feel overwhelmed by what’s expected of you to do

How does it affect my mental health?

Does reading that list of mental load tasks and signs you carry them physically exhaust you? Imagine what toll it takes on your mental health!

Carrying an unfair share of the invisible load can contribute to anxiety, depression, memory struggles, and possible substance abuse.

Anxiety

Anxiety plays a role in people who bear the mental burden of parenting and household chores because there is too much to manage. Feeling constantly overwhelmed or like you’re forgetting something can lead to chronic symptoms of anxiety, such as worrying, mind racing, feeling restless, and irritability.

Related: How to Cope With Postpartum Anxiety

Depression

A sense of hopelessness that anything will change or feeling depressed because you are undervalued or overlooked comes with bearing the majority of the mental load. It’s all the more reason to share this load!

Related: What You Should Know About Depression As A Parent

Struggling to remember things

The term “mom brain” goes hand in hand with the mom’s mental load. When you juggle 1000s of tasks in your mind every day, it’s easy for things to not get properly stored in your memory. You might feel like you never remember things or as if time has flown by and you don’t remember any of it. This memory gap is common but still hard to experience.

Related: How Being A Mom Physically Changes Your Brain

how to stop resenting your partner after baby

Relying on alcohol or other substances

Those who carry the mental load might want to turn off their brains after the kids go to bed by drinking a glass of wine, smoking marijuana, or using another substance to “relax”.

This reliance can be seen as mommy wine culture or smoking marijuana each night. Because it’s so normalized, women often don’t recognize it as substance abuse. However, if you feel like you cannot go to bed without a substance or you find yourself looking forward to it every day, you might be at risk of relying on substances too heavily.

Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links, which means I will earn a commission—at no extra cost to you—if you make a purchase.

How do I explain mental loads to my husband?

Explaining what “mental load” means to your partner can be tricky. Specific examples are useful, such as a detailed list of every task that makes up your invisible load.

For a guided walk-through of explaining this to your partner in efforts to share the mental load of motherhood, take advantage of this FREE mini-workbook!

What all does it include?

  • letter to explain what the mental load is to your partner
  • Managing Our Household brainstorming sheet
  • a detailed list with over 30+ tasks you do every single day
  • Delegation Station page to divide tasks equally
  • 2 prompts to help you move forward and successfully share the mental load!
mom mental load

How do you share the mental load of parenting?

Sharing the load with your partner should include:

Delegating your tasks

Proper delegation should be giving your partner or others full control of the task. Don’t micromanage because that’s still bearing the mental burden of that task.

When delegating, keep in mind the strengths of that person. If your partner isn’t good with numbers, don’t hand over the budget to them. This will lead to them feeling overwhelmed and irritable and the cycle of resentment or fighting will continue. Play to what they are good at, and play to what you are good at, too.

If you’re unsure what tasks they might enjoy taking over, ask them!

Making a list of everything that adds to your mental load with your partner

Some partners think visually and need to see a detailed list laid out in front of them. So make it!

Using Postpartum Brain’s Managing Our Household brainstorming sheet and list of 33 example tasks, you can clarify exactly what adds to your mental load every day.

letter explaining the mental load

Learning ways to cope with your anxiety surrounding the tasks

Anxiety shows itself in physical symptoms, too, so calming your body and mind are incredibly important for coping. Whenever you start worrying about your mental load, use grounding techniques, breathing exercises, visualizations, or soothing practices to help calm down.

If you need 15 practical tools to cope with the stress about this invisible load, The Body-Calm Kit is perfect for you!

coping with stress from mental load

Building a support team outside of your partner

Looking for help outside of your partner can help with both of your stress levels and improve your relationship! This might be hiring help for childcare or cleaning, using grocery pickup regularly, or utilizing a wash-and-fold laundry service.

For over 37+ people to add to your support team after having kids, take a peek at the Postpartum Support System! It’s applicable to any time after kids, whether they are 6 months or 6 years old!

support for sharing invisible load

Prioritizing self-care

And, no, I’m not just talking about pedicures and $100 weekly massages. Your self-care habits should be:

  • Realistic: they shouldn’t stretch your expectations of yourself and they should be something you will actually do.
  • Affordable: they shouldn’t put a dent in your budget every month.
  • Manageable: they should feel overwhelming or like another thing to add to your to-do list.
  • Habitual: they should be easy to incorporate into your already-established daily routine.

Such habits could be taking a warm bath each night with your favorite soap, reading for 20 minutes a day, practicing self-compassion, going on a walk a few days a week, or listening to your favorite podcast.

Educating yourself and your partner on mom’s mental load

Reading these books alone or with your partner can be helpful in understanding why the mental load falls on you and what needs to change to alleviate that stress.

Fair Play is a recent publication, so it’s had a lot of chatter within the past year. And that chatter is well-deserved! Eve Rodsky details a process to make your to-do list less overwhelming and help your partner understand the importance of helping out. The book includes 4 easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a number of topics to discuss with your partner.

Dufu writes a fantastic memoir about re-evaluating her expectations, managing her to-do list, and delegating tasks to other people in her support system after having her first child and realizing she can’t do it all. It helps you laugh and feel less alone in this overwhelming space.

How do I get my partner to take mental loads?

Following the recommendations above only works if your partner is eager to take some of the load. If they are pushing back, getting them to take mental loads might include couple’s counseling. Therapy would offer a safe place and an objective mediator to discuss the impact this invisible labor has on you and on the relationship as a whole.

Related: 3 Therapists You Should Have In Motherhood

How do I not hold resentment?

The resentment that comes with holding the mental load can be powerful. You might feel yourself getting irritable when your partner takes time to relax or asks how they can help you. Or the dreaded “Well, you should’ve told me!” from your partner when you get overwhelmed and yell at them.

Sometimes it doesn’t solely look like anger. Emotions that come alongside resentment could be:

  • Anger
  • Disappointment
  • Hopelessness
  • Exhaustion
  • Frustration
  • Disgust
  • Envy or jealousy
  • Fear

Sharing the burden equally can help reduce some of these complex emotions, but other ways you can let go of it include:

  • Practicing proper coping skills to calm your body and mind (e.g. grounding techniques and breathing exercises)
  • Taking a full day off each week from household chores to relax on your own or connect with your partner
  • Speaking openly and honestly to your partner about how it makes you feel to carry a large to-do list
  • Set boundaries around the tasks you do or set a time at night where you stop the chores and sit down to relax

BONUS – How can I help my wife with the mental load?

If you are reading this and realizing that your wife or partner holds the majority of the mental load of parenting, you might be looking for exact tips to help take over your share.

Some ways you can help include:

  • Let her know you appreciate everything they do for the family and the house
  • Share with her that you know about the invisible load and what that means for her
  • Asking her to make a list with you of tasks she manages and working together to split them as equally as possible
  • Noticing some of the things she does around the house and starting to do them without being asked (take a peek at the list of mental load chores above or Google house cleaning lists!)
  • Take the initiative to read Fair Play or Drop the Ball on your own!

How do you share the mental load in your household? Let us know in the comments below!

postpartum brain

How do I stop carrying the mental load?

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